On Family, Children and Media

Letter:

"Wildfeather and Denise,

If we do not get to the BBQ I want to say that we have
really enjoyed having you as neighbors. You have not
been the typical apartment dwellers, just coming and
going and not making a home. You made this your home
which helps to make it a home for all that surround
you.

Thank You, and we will miss you,

Response:

Your kind words were and encouraging witness to a lifetime of faith, hope and the love that we wish to have reflected in our lives, our family, friends and neighbors, our dreams and the simple things of friendship. Your presence has given Denise and I a great deal of joy as we have seen your family growing like precious flowers continually in bloom. May you obtain the wisdom to keep the unity, bonding and strength in your family during these confusing times.

Please forgive and indulge me, while I tell my story of why we have achieved success at building a home. It has come after many years and tears for both Denise, and I mostly before we met. I hope my perspective serve you well on your life's journey.

I had a former family once being married for twenty two years; a wife and two sons now grown. Ten years ago the circumstances our lives brought us into a a crisis and a catastrophe. It has taken these years to understanding the elements which had so affected us. Today, for the first time, I think I am able to articulate the story you are now about to hear. I have no intention of blaming or justifying anyone here but rather to expose the circumstances of our situation to the best of my knowledge with the hope of delivering valuable information to others who are beginning to raise their families in our vast global consumer culture.

I have quite busy earning a living since I was fourteen years old, and quite unprepared to navigate through the commercial world in which I live. Amidst many warnings I remained naíve of the hidden pitfalls, and well concealed dangers of what seemed to be a society filled with promise and opportunity.This foolish posture was the was as a common fly soon to be tangled in the well prepared spider's web positioned squarely in the path of inexperienced minds, common attitudes and arrogant personal beliefs. As Pinnochio on his way to school, as it were, I skipped merrily along toward what appeared the smartest and shortest path to the "good life" dancing joyfully for a number of years. I awakened one day perceived by my children as one with a long nose, tail and ears whose only sound was that of "hee haw!!" As a beast of burden, following stubbornly behind, I was bridled and saddled and made to carry my children along the steep itinerary of a vainly garbed, cunning rogue, an evil warlock, who wooed them posing as their wise, shining and trusted friend. This impostor presented himself with the pomp and pageantry of a noble courtier, serving as a kind of social guardian who knew their secrets and would entertained them for hours appearing to be more caring to their wants and needs than the one whose daily labor sustained there very lives and provided a secure resting place for their young fragile bones. During this time, I mastered the performance of my trade in Stromboli's theater. When I escaped I became an independent contractor in residential tile and marble; a kind of socially accepted out law who lived by his wits, finding the needs and filling them, keeping his word, satisfying everyone and delivering the best product at a fair price. In my field I had the good fortune to visit and exchange ideas with thousands of customers and their family members on both the East and West Coast for over thirty years. This was an unparalleled education in the personal lives, habits and orginazaationsl styles of many of the worlds finest people. I contracted with the general public for several years in one of the country's harshest environments, Syracuse, New York where the winter's wind could freeze dry the marrow, and where the incessant wetness devoid of sunlight was like living in cave in the sea. Trained to be an officer and a gentleman, I conducted myself honorably, and proved diligent and forthright in all my business dealings and contracts. There were no litigations or unresolved, unfinished business throughout my entire career. Beside being well paid for my services, I was sometimes invited to a home cooked international cuisine. I would often spend weeks in the most intimate areas of the homes of rich and poor with my helper remodelling their bathrooms, and always noticing the books on their night stands. Today, as they sit studying my tiles, I am certain to be though of with fondness in between the grunts and groans of our daily business. My average work week consisted of at least 60 hours. I rarely returned home for dinner before seven or eight every day after finding my way to two maybe three appointments, and sometimes driving through miles of snow, ice and darkness. I loved my work, though, and everyone was completely satisfied with the excellent hand crafted product they received, and conscientious follow-up service which followed. My wife spent all her time during these years bonding, teaching and caring wonderfully for our young healthy sons living in a lovely home which I provided for them in a delightful picturesque park setting. While volunteering as visitor to the incarcerated, I was soon ordained by the invitation of a group of elderly gray haired saints. These blessed souls taught me how to touch and serve the afflicted through Christian ministry, and then as a bishop to ordain others. They felt that the evidence of the teachings of Christ were apparent in my life. I have baptized, married, and visited thousands of incarcerated people in California most severe facilities. That in itself is another intricate chapter of learning and experience. During that time my children were quite young and oblivious to my life and the intensity and passion in which I lived and interacted in my society. Instead of listening to music or radio programs I memorized Shakespeare while travelling to and fro to projects and am able to quote long passages of Hamlet, many of which I think were to have prophetic meaning in my life, especially the one about the "too, too solid flesh" —melting and thawing and resolving itself into a dew. Sadly, nearly everything of that magnificent era of our initial joyous lives together was lost in the "forgetting" period of the early child existence (this is my pathos). But it was precisely here that media marked its quadrants and staking its claim via the thought reforming communications techniques designed for neuro linguistic programing. Through highly developed and focused applied psychology it is a well established fact that advertising experts and professionals are are able to capture valuable territory in the vulnerable, and especially pliable subconscious minds of children. That Hollywood has colonized our minds is also a well established fact. Masses of people are nearly powerless to contradict or reject values which have been gradually inculcated by the media to duplicate and serve the silver images of a highly materialistic consumer era. Programed by the ubiquitous symbols and protocols of in vogue groups and sub-cultures, we learn to mistrust, dishonor, negate, and scorn anyone outside of a narrowly acceptable strata like human progenitors, for example, whose authority is vilified and questioned. As prejudice against parents increased, shame and guilt appeared when ever we were present with them and their friends as if by association with us, they were acting outside of the acceptable norms of t heir peer community. Thus, anti parent attitudes began to form followed by frequent insubordination, disobedience and self causing serious conflicts within the family unit. It was generally said that this behavior was normal and everyone told us we great kids. What else were they going to say? We believed it then and still do now. The point I am making here is, however, (including my relationship with my parents at this juncture) that an interesting phenomenon was occurring that was quite unique during this era. Media, technology, consumerism, affluence and widespread social attitudes converged for the first time in history, and dictated what children were expected to do and to possess, and what parents were expected to provide, apart from the traditional norms of past generations, if we were to be considered acceptable in our community. Thus, in high school their attitudes and beliefs began slipping farther and farther away from ours as their sensitive emotions and feelings were decisively targeted, colonized, harnessed and to a great degree psychologically kidnapped, and controlled through the suggestions of the all pervasive commercial advertising environment which surrounded us. Our children were programed and encouraged to demand what they thought we as a family needed to have, wear, own, play, eat, say, think, do, crave and be. Much of the media's social and moral values, attitudes, styles, brands, stereotypes, practices, and reward structures were in opposition with time the honored wisdom values, practices and attitudes of the ages which are still maintained today in the highly educated and refined families of the wealthy and especially of those who govern. It is the common mentality of the masses that tends to vulgarize itself by thinking in terms of instant gratification, getting a easy job, debt spending, and sitting mesmerized for hours in front of a TV. I had hoped to instill in them the more ancient values. More and more conflict ensued with each passing year as I lacked the awareness, disciplines, wealth, foresight and support structure to act differently and perhaps steer my family more decisively. Eventually the elusive, visual, phantom social, mass consumer marketing gods of the 80's and 90's won the esteem, love and loyalties of our children. Our values, philosophies, and principles, although stomached for a season, were generally viewed with suspicion and fear that they might alter the look and image of the peers they chose. With all due respect, we, for the most part, were demeaned, scorned and rejected.

In searching for clues for why or how this could have occurred one should consider that the advent of a vast consumer mentality and greed had emerged in America with the parents of the fifties who embraced new material goods believing and teaching that it was our due and bountiful reward for the suffering they underwent during the depression, and for enduring the sacrifices and miseries of two world wars. The classic result according to Aristotle of having weathered such traumas was anger, vulgarity, misanthropy and an emotional depression searching to escape its deeply embedded fears and insecurities. Such a class of people were easily manipulated by the media which continually promised them relief from pain, cleaner clothing and tastier coffee to keep them awake as they slaved many "jobs" to pay for all their abundance. They had no idea that what they believed to be the greatest most privileged nation on earth would provide for them every conceivable means to lose their children, grandchildren, their wealth, their posterity, their souls, quite possible, even the very country that made having things among the common people a reality for the first time in history. By the late sixties and seventies many of us reacted to our parent's blind materialism and we sought to redefine our world toward what was natural, sustainable and fair for all people in all countries beginning with our own. African Americans received civil rights, Native Americans came into a period of cultural restoration, and indigenous peoples, wildlife and the earth was spoken for as something to be venerated and preserved. I hoped for deeper and truer communication with my parents instead of the facades and hypocrisies which their materialism had produced in them. I refused to take it on and become a slave to be shackled to the demands of a corrupt consumer culture and mentality. I decided to live a simpler life style in the midst of an affluent, frenetic society.

I struggled and labored tirelessly as any good parent might have to maintain the economic stability of our family as a building contractor living modestly and simply and was achieving good will and a keen reputation in the community. But, by the time my children had reached their teens something had occurred in both our worlds that would alter our lives forever. The recession of the nineties hit my slowly developing trade until work slowed down to a crawl, and jobs were scarce. At the same time a heavy infiltration of illegal aliens in the area we lived in drove prices down. At a certain point I desperately began to seek opportunities outside of my trade with the hope of securing gainful employment. At the time my wife had gone back to work and was climbing the corporate ladder in the highly competitive field of corporate video our of San Jose. After numerous frustrating attempts to generate income in what can easily be considered the most highly materialistic region on earth, and having found myself nearly insane with grief, depression and malaise over our declining situation, my wife, coupled with her own unresolved prejudices, and deep seated fears and survival issues, began to interpret my unproductive choices and efforts as a plan to make her work claiming that I never loved my family or wished to support them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. What I failed to support was the insidious tyranny over their consciousness that this society purposefully and profitably imposes. When I saw that their loyalties, conduct and behavior had slipped so far away from our common purpose as a family to remain united and faithful to one another, moving headlong toward their new consumer culture I fell into a depression, manifested in isolation, obsessive behavior, despondency, anxiety, guilt and mental anguish. This condition brought on an even more frightening state of mind, that of post traumatic stress originating from my combat duty in Viet Nam that lay buried beneath the surface which manifested itself periodically in the symptoms just mentioned but this time much deeper and more prolonged. By this time and in this condition my family took on the view that the meaning of "father" was a purely economic and unnatural value measured in terms of money and "earnings" in accordance with what they had been trained to think by Madison Avenue and Wall Street. The term "father" in their thinking became a title that a man either deserves and merits or loses. Mother of course is easily considered much more primal. But "father" is a natural phenomenon and authority of being a person's natural "progenitor". The word, "father" in their thinking seemed to become something ridiculous, like Homer Simpson, and foolish unless it was capable of submitting economically to the immediate judgments, wishes, and demands of the wanton consuming and wastefulness. It was through lack of training and counsel that I failed. At a certain point during my illness. Rejected and misunderstood by my wife and children, looked upon as a troubled self centered man who lacked all the characteristics they were hoping for in someone they could love, honor and respect, I began to feel gravely and acutely compromised in health and spirit. I was incapable at that time of knowing how best to proceed and regain the necessary control and government of my family. It was during this period that my former wife had steadily begun to assert her dominance over me in my weakened condition, and hired my sons to assist her in her profession in a high corporate and commercial media concern which was female owned and governed. The most painful blow I had experienced was perhaps my former wife's self righteousness, misanthropy, bitterness and and deeply rooted resentments which began to emerge. Now every thing I loved had now turned against me. Many years of suppressed and unresolved communication difficulties led to repeated breakdowns and deeper hurt feelings. Despairingly, I felt that this condition would only continue on its same depressing course for many years to come and began to view it as irreconcilable. In the meantime my wife appeared to be consulting with friends, family and counselors to decide what was best for her to do. What was under attack here was more than my honor as a father, it had become respect for me as a person. One day when my sons were 19 and 17, I quietly left my home with my illness, saddened, confused, torn, traumatized, stunned, deeply troubled, humiliated, and yet, hopeful and determined to find healing, and to achieve something much greater than those questionable circumstances and conditions which had saturated and ruined our lives. My former wife, children and extended family never once questioned my leaving, but instead each ratified that they were "not into" my being with them any longer. I was looked upon as a piece of trash and treated as a criminal from that point forward, while instances of even my raised voice in their presence were rare, much less anything physical or any cause for any alarm. We who were once so close, had slowly become closed and insensitive to each other, and disdainful of each other's presence. It was as if by some unseen force, plan or subtle design, our minds and souls had been shaped for the day our separation and disintegration. In their thinking I was to blame. They seemed so justified in their common judgment toward me saying, "He never loved his family ... he abandoned us," while my wife was steadily ascending the pinnacle of her career. I was an embarrassment to her and she was indeed happy to get rid of me. Never questioned the event. Nevertheless, my fatherhood exits and will exist forever.

To those who choose to remain in a closed, disconnected, protective and distant state, I would pose the question: who, I wonder, truly abandoned whom? I have no shame today, nor have had, only peace for the decisions I have made to remain open, connected, vulnerable and intimate and perhaps even poor, if I so choose to be; indeed, this is a frightful threat and problem for many who are lost in this mad, chaotic and perverse culture. I am returning to New York to proclaim this message to those whom I have so deeply loved in the past, and will always, now that I have gained clarity of mind, body and spirit.
Perhaps, their families will benefit from hearing my story.

Young intelligent, concerned families today are at a crossroad, I feel. The applied psychology of commerce, media and the values of your children's peer society are already deeply embedded with symbols, jargon, sounds, jingles, myths, and entire belief system apart from yours. I think that no matter how "good or unique" parents tend to believe they are in raising their own children "their own way", it is going to take education, training and great fortitude on our part to counteract the highly focused invasion of our children's souls during every phase of their development that the media masterfully targets, if our trust and bonding is to be maintained and strengthened. Since my children were raised to be consumers, they were programed by the programs they watch to view me as a fool instantly when I failed to provide for each and all of their programed consuming demands. I was and am considered a failure to this day in their eyes. Those who provide a solid resource of established wealth, and social importance, may control their children's decisions at each juncture of their development, just as the parents of the wealthy old monied people of Piedmont do. They tend to keep their children hooked on better and more long lasting visuals like the image of a vast inheritance. Outside of this, many poorer parents I have known have home schooled their children, stopped worshiping entertainment, and thrown out their television sets providing other selected means of education and visual inputs, and limiting their children's physical contacts to others in a similar community, with similar values which supported family values, unity, clarity and the lasting ennobling characteristics of parents over the temporary vulgarizing, disintegrating, and fragmenting modes of a rapidly changing society. I would make every effort at this point to educate myself in parenting study groups to discuss some of the points I raise. One big question that has haunted many parents has been, "My children have to live in their world, and they need to integrate with their world in order to be accepted in it and succeed". I would be interested in hearing your point of view.


Young intelligent, concerned families today are at a crossroad, I feel. The applied psychology of commerce, media and the values of your children's peer society are already deeply embedded with symbols, jargon, sounds, jingles, myths, and entire belief system apart from yours. I think that no matter how "good or unique" parents tend to believe they are in raising their own children "their own way", it is going to take education, training and great fortitude on our part to counteract the highly focused invasion of our children's souls during every phase of their development that the media masterfully targets, if our trust and bonding is to be maintained and strengthened. Since my children were raised to be consumers, they were programed by the programs they watch to view me as a fool instantly when I failed to provide for each and all of their programed consuming demands. I was and am considered a failure to this day in their eyes. Those who provide a solid resource of established wealth, and social importance, may control their children's decisions at each juncture of their development, just as the parents of the wealthy old monied people of Piedmont do. They tend to keep their children hooked on better and more long lasting visuals like the image of a vast inheritance. Outside of this, many poorer parents I have known have home schooled their children, stopped worshiping entertainment, and thrown out their television sets providing other selected means of education and visual inputs, and limiting their children's physical contacts to others in a similar community, with similar values which supported family values, unity, clarity and the lasting ennobling characteristics of parents over the temporary vulgarizing, disintegrating, and fragmenting modes of a rapidly changing society. Amanda, I would make every effort at this point to educate myself in parenting study groups to discuss some of the points I raise. One big question that has haunted many parents has been, "My children have to live in their world, and they need to integrate with their world in order to be accepted in it and succeed." I would be interested in hearing your point of view.

In the final analysis, what troubled me the most was knowing that my friends and family were prone to immediate judgements, ostracism and condemnations, people whom I loved and served. The one person who offered heartfelt consolement was a three term combat veteran who did so in tears. I conclude that these people were themselves victims. And, I pray "Father, forgive us ... for we know not what we do."